The Fog Seems to be Thinning

This past month off-the-trail, has been devastating for me. Not only did my hand/wrist injury crush my spirit, but my little brother made the choice to end his life. I like to think that he found comfort and peace from this miserable existence and I think that there was a part of me that felt envious of his choice. I have gained at least 15 lbs due to doing nothing but eating, sleeping and drinking cheap beer.

I was enlightened while visiting home during the family death, my cousin helped me see my unsuccessful thru hike in a perspective that I had been unable to see. He explained that I was still interpreting my unsuccessful thru hike through the perception of a conditioned thru hiker, where the rest of this world viewed my completed 777 miles as a huge success and an epic achievement. My hand injury is finally showing signs of healing and that’s been a big help in lifting me from the dense fog.

Maybe there is a life beyond the place I’ve been existing. And I’m convinced that I’ll need to seek psychiatric help in healing. But that I’m even writing this blog post must be evidence that there is hope.

 

2 thoughts on “The Fog Seems to be Thinning

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  1. Discount: 1. I am sorry to read about your brother and my personal thoughts on suicide is that, yes, sometimes life is unbearable for some people (and NO one can know the hidden pain another person is enduring despite how one compares it to their own pain/experiences) and after awhile it seems that ending their life is the only way to achieve “peace” so it behooves us to CHOOSE to believe that they ARE in a better place and have peace at last and there was nothing anyone could do to change the outcome. It takes an huge amount of strength to end one’s own life (think about it) and if one is “successful” then they must have truely been a tortured soul. 2. I hear you about the weight – same here & it disgusts me. 3. I’ve been told the same thing about my aborted ‘thru-hike’: where I feel depressed and a failure they have pointed out that so few people even DARE to do what I did. We have to reframe our perspective; it’s the difference between our expectations and reality. I expected to complete the trail and I really didn’t think that it wouldn’t happen. The reality is my knees cannot tolerate the added weight and the strenuous ascent/descents for hours everyday. I don’t like it but I can’t change it. ~~ ARe you planning on getting back out there once your hand has healed? I wish you the best and hey, if you don’t do it this year, there is always next year. I still haven’t (completely) given up on the possibility that ‘next year might be different’. Meanwhile I am trying to appreciate the small things to help me get over my huge disappointment of not being on the trail. I miss it and everyone I connected with (who are still going!) acutely. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
    ~BuzzCut

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